The Pain of Disillusionment
One of the hardest things about realising the religious group you’re part of has a dark underbelly is knowing you joined for good reasons. Something called to you. You saw value in the teachings and practices, and that sense wasn’t wrong. There was value. That’s why you stayed so long.
But then, the lies, manipulation, coercion, and abuse come to light. Even when the truth is exposed for all to see, those running the organisation refuse to change. They won’t admit wrongdoing. Instead, they blame the victims, saying, “What’s wrong is the people who think they’ve been hurt.”
You can’t stay in a place like that. You can’t stay in a system that apologises not for the abuse but for not warning you it might happen. Abuse should never happen. There’s no excuse for it. Ever.
So, you leave. But then what?
Was It All a Farce?
What about the good you saw? What about what drew you in? Was it all a lie?
At first, it’s too much to untangle. So, I dropped it all. Let it go. Told myself, “I’m done. Moving on.” And that’s fine. But you don’t move on from the real wisdom you gained. That wisdom has become part of you.
Genuine wisdom doesn’t come from outside anyway. The teachings reminded you of something you already knew in your bones. The truth of it. The experiences you had that were real and genuine—they stay with you. They’re the value.
You might try to throw it all away, thinking it’s tainted by the bad, but the wisdom remains. It’s not part of the bad smell. It’s something else entirely.
Realising the Depth of Transformation
I always knew I’d gained value from the Tibetan Buddhist teachings and practices, and I don’t include the ones that enable abuse in this-–they are simply unnecessary. But it wasn’t until recently that I realised just how much.
I was in a group discussing disillusionment, death, and dissolution of the self. People were sharing their experiences, and I just sat there, listening. I didn’t want to speak, which is unusual for me. Sharing my experience and understanding of this topic would have felt uncomfortable.
Then it hit me: my perspective was so vastly different from theirs. It wasn’t that their experiences were wrong; it’s just that they hadn’t spent three months contemplating death every single day, as I had during my Vajrayana preliminary practice.
For three months, I focused on the inevitability of death. Not just during the practice itself, but throughout my day. I saw everything through the lens of impermanence. Then, for the next three months, I focused on the preciousness of human life. After that, cause and effect and so on.
That kind of training changes you. It changes how you see the world. I realised I don’t see life and death the way most people do. I see them as intertwined, inseparable. Being and non-being, Both here with us now.
The Dichotomy of Tibetan Buddhism
Here’s the dilemma: Tibetan Buddhism is deeply flawed. Its attitudes towards women, its power structures, and teachings that enable abuse are undeniable. But the practices themselves? They’re incredibly powerful and transformative.
That’s why people are still drawn to Tibetan Buddhism. The practices work. They change you.
So what’s the answer for those of us who want that transformative power in our spiritual practice?
Taking the Gold Without the Dirt
The answer is awareness. Know the risks. Understand the coercive control lamas can have over students. Recognise when it’s happening and stay away from it.
You can do the practices and listen to the teachings without surrendering your self-agency. You don’t have to give up your common sense. Surrender isn’t about losing your ethics or sense of right and wrong. It’s about seeing through your false self, your masks.
The challenge is surrendering what needs to be surrendered while keeping your full agency intact.
I have found Rob Preece’s books very helpful in reevaluating how I practice Vajrayana too.
Deity Practices Need Not Be Tainted
What I’ve realised is that the practices themselves don’t need to be tainted by the issues in the religion. They stand alone without a physical guru-–if you don’t associate the deity with a physical teacher. That’s not to say that you don’t need teachings to learn how to do the practices and how they work and what they mean—you do need that at some point—but you can also walk away once you’ve learned what you need to learn.
Then you don’t need an external lama. The true lama is the nature of mind and reality itself. The physical lama is meant to inspire you to connect with that, but over time, for far too many, that role has been twisted by dominance and abuse. And the teachings that enable that abuse are revered by some simply because some master of the past—who could have been a malignant narcissist-–said it.
If you focus on the ultimate meaning of lama—the true nature of your mind and reality—you can practise without the taint of a religion that can’t face its own shadow. Luckily for me, I never saw the lama in the practices as the man I later discovered abused people.
But I Can’t Do Those Practices Anymore
Realising this didn’t mean I could turn around and start practicing something like Varjasatttva again. It didn’t mean I could pick up the dakini practice done by the Rigpa sanga and complete my three roots practices. The thought of that alone brings back all the hurt caused by those in that community who allowed their basic human decency to be co-opted by their devotion to a deeply flawed man.
It brings back all the stories I heard from those who were physically, emotionally, sexually, financially and spiritually abused. And it brings back the depth of spiritual betrayal I experienced.
I can appreciate the practices, but I can’t practice any of them.
I can, however, do a different Vajrayana practice. One untainted by the shadow of Tibetan Buddhism.
A Vajrayana Practice Without the Baggage
I have found a spiritual practice that remains firmly rooted in the authentic core principles of the Vajrayana, but it’s unaligned with any specific teacher and the associated hierarchy and dogma. This one doesn’t retraumatise me. It gives me back what I lost when I stopped practicing what I found a deeply inspiring and supportive form of spiritual practice. And it’s a practice uniquely suited to Westerners and the issues we face in our present world.
This is the Maha Vajra (goddess of great awareness) practice, and I’ve decided—after a bit of struggle with the idea—to write about the practice and put it into a three-maybe-four book series.
I’ve renovated and reinvigorated my Substack as the home for that work.
Meet The Renegade Buddhist
The new name for the Substack is The Renegade Buddhist: Developing a psychologically grounded contemplative practice, inspired by Vajrayana.
You know why I’m a renegade. And on top of my willingness to expose abuses within the religion, just doing a non-traditional practice is heresy for those dedicated to the tradition!
I won’t be writing about it here, so if you’d like to follow my journey as I
- work out what needs to be in the book
- deepen my practice
- reimagine Vajrayana through the lens of Jungian Psychology
- hopefully help others like me in developing a nourishing spiritual practice
please join me there.
If you’ve ever wanted a Vajrayana practice without hierarchy, superstition, or cultural baggage — one that honours the depth but removes the harm—my Substack publication is for you.
You can choose from a free or paid option. And the paid option gives us an opportunity to talk deeply and privately on how we will reinvisage Vajrayana for the modern Western world.
Your involvement at any level—assuming you leave comments and participate in chats—will not only support the book writing, it will also inform how I write about the practice, what resources I find, and what I include in the book. This will make it a better resource for refugees from Tibetan Buddhism who would love a practice without the baggage, and for those new to the spiritual path who are interested in Vajrayana/Tantra but wary of Tibetan Buddhism.
And just to be clear, here. I am not setting myself up as a teacher. No way would I take on that responsibility! For teachings in the book on principles of Vajrayana, I will be referencing knowledgeable others whose worlds I value. My role is to present the gold and write down the practice I have been given along with instructions for how to practice it.
I hope I’ll see you there.
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